Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ray's LiveJournal:

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Monday, July 14th, 2008
4:37 pm	well, i don't know, it makes sense to me so is finding out your sister's pregnant(by phone) while breaking up with someone (in person) just after burying your dog (with that person) a normal chain of events? either way i guess it was a good time for change and all for the better i guess some people (myself) just feel more normal (for lack of a better term) when they're alone. life just seems to be absent of nonessential bullshit and there is no one to answer to except "the man" but thats a subject we all know will lead us nowhere (at least in this particular discussion) so this is the deal ? maybe i don't know what the deal is but that's usually about how it goes and is there really any reason to not be who i am? it is why people care and it also becomes why people hate me so i say whats on my mind even when its random so what pretty much everything on my mind is random i don't get it either get over it i'll never be able to "properly" "explain myself" but that is perhaps one of my most dominant traits thats what gets me you don't know me sometimes perhaps I don't know me get it? me neither oh well the waves will not stop themselves they must either be broken (i don't break easily) or they just keep on goin. are we going to watch them all?: analyzing every component and probability thereof (good at times but fucking do it already)-analytical skepticism, i have that too try and break them?: REALLY not a good idea most of the time or just ride 'em the way we like to ride sometimes losing it but always finding another to ride just as hard YOU CANT CONTROL EVERYTHING (neither can i) waves=life (in a sort-of roundabout way) Current Mood: too many to choose from Current Music: is that what that is? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
10:18 am	? sometimes we forget who weare amidst all the chaos of the world we forget where we come from differences difrences the intangible is what also makes us the same subconciously ive died but wait how is that any different than REAL life what makes you real memory? rationality? concious decisions made subconciously life and death go handinhand so what? do something NOW Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: the sound of the thoughts in my brain (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 23rd, 2006
9:37 am	drivin tomorrow begins a long journey to humboldt state u im gonnna miss my kats thats really all i have to say (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 15th, 2005
11:03 pm	forgive my actions for i am the protective one trying to hold on to something which may be just a little bit more than the nothing that surrounds us everyday love is not the easiest of emotions thoughts are liquid and easily manipulated choose your manipulation or just go with what feels good for now until i get a grasp of some sort of solitude involving complete creative orgasmic explosion of undisturbed uninfluenced death or the beginning of a new life not in the literal sense im not a fucking suicidal mind in other words my true lightt mind and soul to exceed all "limits" im wasting time or is time wasting me where am i or do i even care?' i love a girl and shes still so far away but maybe further than i am i lack control though i know what i like and i know what feels good and i know that theres more to everything why do i feel restricted i get waves of exuberance flashes of enlightened thought why cant i manipulate a hallucination to my intellectual advantage in a dream state of consciousness or do i just miss it every time or forget im good at that i wonder if soul mates are meant to be lovers or just an assumption i know a girl whos so interesting we dont like each other like that well she has a boyfriend and she really likes my jewelry but our conversations are always phenomenal she is open its strange how much we share on a higher level and she believes she knows shes died before she hates unproductive mindnumbing bullshit and searches for enlightenment but believes (as i do) that this is all working together and everything highlights something else basically that none of us are free if one of us is chained though its so hard to fathom opening some peoples minds i think that may be what we live for sorry everyone ha but seriously you need to create your own heaven or whathaveyou on earth because anything is possible and dont be foolish and think existence is some simple math equation its actually a very difficult math equation with rules that arent fully restricted restriction is optional but we humans like to manifest difficulty and strife to set ourselves back fear or laziness i dont know but probably both (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 4th, 2005
10:54 pm	we find ourselves trapped in our own manifestations of restriction inability lack of hope hope for a better world or a better life a different way or maybe its the search for that way or that complement that defines our individual selves the striving: fuel to the creative process a subconcious test of our depiction of the boundaries set by the world that surrounds us there is no one reality follow with your eyes have you ever heard the sound of lifelessness nothing where there used to be something no sound where there used to be sound no life where there used to be life the sound of dead then you see the process us them humans and society we are killing ourselves theyare trying to kill us and pretty soon life and death will be indifferent born with talents rendered useless by our continuing state of theivery and politics scams and the glorification of the human characteristic of fucking people over feeding from the weak who really arent even weak at all the strongest of all if you are alive if you think you know the answer to the questions yoou probobly never asked yourself you might want to ask yourself do i want to accept the fact that i know we do not know everything or just keep asking the questions with the easy answers we should never just let ourselves die sleepwalking through life hop on the conveyer belt were off to another wasted life (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
10:22 pm	mystic beauty i miss the most her words her voice the way she felt about then us beautiful luv the way we felt she would write to me in a way so powerful it seemed as though it could be a foreign language but not foreign to me still not foreign she would make me cry from shock that another could feel this for me well... she may always have that advantage we had a great adventure fuckin incredible thank you i still love you maybe we'll see each other on the road someday headed in the same direction and though i cant express to you or anyone why things went well the way they went i believe that sincerety knows that isnt necessary ive never felt this and i d0nt know that i will ever find her again in anyone or anything else she knows heather you know ive never stopped believing i fell in love we fell in love we fell and arose or maybe we never stopped falling i still love you i want to see your face look at you and kiss your forehead and say what we both want to hear and say i love you forever and everythings gonna be alright (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 17th, 2005
1:57 am	art is not the goal but the occasion and the method for locating our specific rhythm and varied possibilities of our time (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
1:01 am	glug i cry you puke dont want you anymore dont want this anymore it hurts it feels good never there when i need you friend might have to say goodbye soon i cant go numb might have to say goodbye soon my friend blank face confused soul with an impartial meaning is it me or is it you might have to say goodbye soon my friend might have to say goodbye (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, September 2nd, 2005
11:38 pm	im looking for a college away from here any suggestions? im thinking co or norcal maybe socal never texas i like humboldt i miss it there sometimes although LA does have some things to offer really i just want to be alone and taking care of my own shit my life (too many distractions/influences/interruptions here) however... how can one feel the undying uncontrollable urge or need for solitude yet be afraid of being alone maybe im not afraid love lost may never return maybe i am she showed me more more than this and theres even more than that i must travel again security almost has no meaning to me right now yet i want other things too i just need a few months/probably years doing more seeing more than this life this place these people as much love as we share and always will i think tonite was the first time i ever told blain and kt i love them (sober)(completely) i really do though yet i have my own shit baggage life things to do things to take care of we'll always be together (in the mind) -message! shyyyyt am i becoming an insomniac? this has been going on for some time now we waste too much time sleeping --h.s. thompson once believed maybe subconsciously i know hes right i feel like i shouldnt waste any time with bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit somuchtimewasted but its all the same damn day man cant think too much about tomorrow what if it never comes or yesterday it already happened anyway one cannot think about learning it happens effort permitting of course (most of the time) dreams are not a waste ov time though if you use them like drugs should be used (learning experience)i try harder than it is to type it not always easy but we manifest our own, well, everything its all possible always we set our own boundaries we create our own stress and we allow things(sometimes even by free will) to control us to lead us someone read bukowski i like it strange mind he uses creatively funny shit sometimes too with meaning (i think, anyway) hatred, bloodshed i saw it by the pool the accused child molester (31 on the beach at 1am with 13yr girl) 3 burly men-one the father of the girl-beat the ever-living shit out of this guy-seriously the force began not 3feet away from me poolside at the holiday inn in pcb fla. if nobody were around they would have beat him to death and im not fucking kidding biloxi friends of mine(since 20 minutes before) helped end the massacre before anyone even knew what was really going on- except me (somewhat) the dude told me the story it was a "15yr old boy" he just happened to be walking down the beach next to seemingly a very harmless nerdy-type guy who liked 60s music(thats how our conversing began)he told me he was confronted by the father on the beach and all had supposedly ended but he was afraid of something i later found out SHE was 13 people saw them walk down the beach and sit together--the rest ? so once the man was bloody crying and swollen missing teeth blood-soaked poolchairs and ground he slipped -more beating all in the face the burly man was unstoppable(the father)by then he was the only one coming back for more his wife (the mother)got on top of the bleeding "molester" to "stop" the massacre the father her husband hitting her in the back of the head at fullfledged drunken force to get to the guy he would have killed him he wanted to i could see the fire in his eyes and this really happened aug 31 1am cops paramedics nobody arrested(after the one guy-the one who threw no punches- explained the situation)the other 2 split moments before i did not try to pull them off of him i will not lie if it did happen he deserved it all but really these dudes were crazy and probably would have beaten the shit out of me if i touched any of them so i yelled "what the fuck man?!" "what the fuck?!" i was confused whats a dude like me to do with no involvement and 3 200+ lb men (2 doing the beating) beating the shit fuck everliving life out of someone hatred(with good reason)on their parts drunkenness and physical abuse not on the guy's side by any means AT ALL,NEVER EVER EVER, but whats a 13yr old girl walking down the beach at 1am for anyway? evacuees at that not locals never seen abuse like that since junior high seriously even I couldnt sit still after that (Comment on this)
7:44 pm	whats the use? really i feel like i really shouldnt care so much but i cant help it sometimes should we be even further away than we already are? dont think it would be TOO much diffrent whats the use? whats wrong with me? with THIS? who knows or cares some whom i know less than others care a lot where do these expectations come from? why? why question so much? a woman once told me i am a dreamer i ask questions that do not have answers and this person believes i waste too much time and unneccessary thought and energy on these why? she asked idunno excercising of the mind i guess why ask questions that one can answer easily?- i responded in such a way we argued a lot she had imput, opinions, and even some rational reason but no respect we disagreed and she condemned i am wrong for thinking this way whatever dont give advice if you dont accept it from -right? i CAN accept that i DO NOT know everything such an impossible task- to know all menial is it to always know the answers (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 1st, 2005
11:50 pm	i write because i am if i werent i wouldnt be (Comment on this)
11:42 pm	bdaze in 6 daze 22 wonder whati'll do? use my stoner souper powers to fix SE LA yeah right even that cant help this anxious feeling well maybe it would where are you? where am i? does it even matter? or does it matter most? (Comment on this)
Friday, August 26th, 2005
7:36 pm	katrina why arent hurricane names more scary ive met chihuahuas with more intimidating names i dont really care if it comes but if it does thats just a reason to leave for a few days until you come back to the aftermath consequences-- some good some bad but they only exist because of reason reasoning, morals, decisions deciding to live in the SE its like living in tornado alley and bitching every time your shit gets destroyed you live there dumbass we live here expect whats to be expected--- at least. cant compete with what you dont fully understand (nature) and we never will im going to six flags tomorrow what great fun im only goin cause bri t wants me to go with her we'll probably just be high the whole time---she likes to smoke shes ok her pit bull- tank- is insane in a goofy-ass pit bull puppy sort of way but he jumps a lot he likes me way too much no humping, but he takes advantage of me- not really hes cool though i might be wakeboarding on sunday but doubtful it depends on what katrina wants to do shes a natural "weapon of mass destruction" with no regulations--ha its true though whatever lifes good im goin to blains (Comment on this)
Monday, June 13th, 2005
5:57 pm	Vacation Transcribed by: unknown Bryan Irby Almost 23, I took a trip to the sea. Went out for a swim and the waves came crashing down on me. Turned to head back in. That's when I saw the fin. As panic grabbed my legs, you know it, pulled me in. I didn't see you were right next to me But I'm so glad you could make it. With you by my side, I might get back alive From my next vacation. Mountains looked like fun. Climbed up the to sun. And from the peak, I got such a view, I forgot to hang on. The wind came rushing in And broke my safety-pin. But as I flew by, you threw me a line. Saved again! I didn't see you were right next to me But I'm so glad you could make it. With you by my side, I might get back alive From my next vacation. Took a trip over there To see how I'd fare. Got on my little white boat and didn't have a care. The third day at sea, We began to sink. They said "Women and children first", I said "Guess that's not me". But you came along with a raft and a song, And I'm so glad you could make it. And with you by my side, I might get back alive From my next vacation. I didn't see you were right next to me But I'm so glad you could make it. With you by my side, I might get back alive From my next vacation. ----- VARIATIONS: 9/15/86 Athens, GA Desert looked like fun Thought I'd give it a try It's been raining for so long here I can't Make myself cry (1 Comment |Comment on this)
5:50 pm	have you ever looked into the eyes of a sick or dying animal? Downed Animal . . . Just the words produce an image of a suffering, sick animal. Sadly, this nightmarish vision is all too real every year for untold numbers of animals at stockyards, slaughterhouses, and production farms. The meat and dairy industries call them "downers"- animals so diseased or badly injured that they cannot even walk. Many segments of the meat industry deal in "downers" because they can still sell them for human consumption. Profit, not humane considerations, guides industry practice and downed animals suffer gross negligence and abuse at livestock facilities across the country. Fortunately, reforms stipulated by the USDA have, for now, stopped the worst abuses of downed cattle at stockyards and farms, following the discovery of a BSE-infected dairy cow in Washington state in December 2003. The resultant, USDA-mandated ban on the slaughter of downed cattle for human consumption has prevented countless thousands of downed cattle from being dragged, bulldozed or otherwise abused to move them alive to the slaughterhouse. However, the current USDA ban does nothing for animals other than cattle, and for countless sheep, pigs, and other farm animals who become downed every year, the misery continues. These downed animals may lie in alleyways, without food, water or veterinary care, until it's convenient to take them to slaughter. In some cases, downed animals die of neglect. If they are still alive to meet the slaughterhouse truck, they are typically moved by the easiest, but least humane ways, which can include being dragged with chains and being pushed with tractors or forklifts. These practices cause injuries ranging from bruises and abrasions to torn ligaments, broken bones, and dislocated joints. Fortunately, the incidence of downed cattle abuse appears to be declining since the USDA ban on their slaughter for human consumption. For those cattle who do become downed on the farm or at the stockyard, on-site euthanasia no longer presents an economic loss. However, as fears over "mad cow" disease begin to fade in the public's mind, cattle industry lobbyists are continually maneuvering to weaken the USDA's ban. In recent legislative sessions, they have managed to introduce legislation that will allow downed cattle to be slaughtered for human consumption. Although the bill died in the last session of Congress, we must continually guard against industry efforts to undermine downed animal protection. In the meantime, the meat industry will continue to use and abuse livestock who are "downers" until we pass laws to ban downed animal cruelties for all farm animals. The Downed Animal Protection Act, a federal bill which applies to all farm animals, has been introduced repeatedly (and defeated) in past legislative sessions, and we expect it to be reintroduced during the 109th Congress as well. Current Mood: (not really) Current Music: "vacation"-wp-(new-years eve 2003 phillips arena, atlanta,GA (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 9th, 2005
6:19 pm	i can now play rebirth through my amp music is a wave a sort of natural flow like the way we see life moving, ever-changing a trance, self-expression wp makes me smile i can see...on the road ahead cant quite make it out just yet just enjoying the ride some roads are just a little less bumpy opinions differentiate, however but why not just enjoy being alive and opinionated and free and revolutionary and full of energy waiting to explode either on the inside....or outside i can see things a little better now... just struggling still to see through the fog the most difficult situations or experiences become life-threatening only the worst will bring out the best--you cant see pleasure without pain or pain without pleasure without one the other would not exist i can see it now and i think its what i want... the day shines bright from here the hole in the clouds brings a sort of natural enlightenment the best of all and i can see where it goes from here some time to rationalize--whats rational? life is and thats it i can see all of the different doors and hallways i like the trees and the rivers open mind for an open space and some peace and quiet art is energy is subconcious is expression comes from the mind the body and the soul divine is all that are alive ...werd up (Comment on this)
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
6:18 pm	the new system of a down cd is badass im goin tubin on the river with some friends tomorrow theres something wrong with me theres something wrong with you theres something wrong with me theres something wrong with you whoever reads this.. buy the new system of a down cd or burn it whatever its fucking good (Comment on this)
Friday, May 27th, 2005
4:05 pm	i got the bluze i made a couple of necklaces today, though theyre nice--my aunt bought one what to do what to do my mind is racing and my muscles are tense and i dont know what to think sometimes but im ok it felt so good to talk last night (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
9:07 pm	we saved the life of a puppy he came in from mr.fish-a pet shop:(- lethargic and was in the same close quarters of another puppy with parvo(a potentially-almost indefinitely-fatal virus that attacks the intestine,killing off the inner linings of it and obviously is a very serious disease) so he too had parvo luckily we caught it early and with aggressive(not harmful,of course) treatment i am happy to say he is alive and well he loves to be held and is happy as can be fuck mr.fish they did not want to pay for the treatment and wanted us to euthanize it doc took matters into his hands now that hes better, mr.fish wands him back needless to say were adopting him out someone at my work is taking him fuck pet stores greedy bitches breeders too sorry people but... fuck you and fuck off dont you have anything better to do than to force animals to breed take their babies and sell them for profit while animal overpopulation is a growing problem and causes countless euthanasias everyday neglect and refuse to treat the sick FUCK YOU what makes humans so fucking superior even if we are, isn't that more the reason to take care of and look after the "less intelligent"? help them out teach them and learn from them no lets treat 'em like shit maybe it'll make our dicks grow hard with desire for power--a true achievement right? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
4:49 pm	do these words mean anything to anyone? testure: in nervous convulsion crouches infant ape trembling in mothers shit cage eyes tear less filled with contempt clinic mask experiment with life and death smell lingering noxious mixed scent anxiety omnipotent doctor grinds the cage door revealing loves primal instinct taken away the tiny face terrified rant and rave smash your head against the cage vacuum clicks on high conscious of the pain pass off as humane white coat seems so clean most dirt bleached out of greed force the point of habit eyes burn in a rabbit push the pain test button spines cut trip mucous inflection more die. pills each day what goes around comes back stronger tap into the brain break the skull again smash price research rat lab rent pain in flesh more ill drug store sales sharpen the knife emphasis on money new disease everyday end is seen and coming reseach turns it's back to gain crush the spine genocide kitten drags its dead limb continuing all suffering it will come back and win shock paralyse turn trauma burns out the will to live the lying message 5 year genocide 1945 suicide vivisect VI fuck animal abusers fuck animal abuse fuck science i could kill a human before i could kill an animal i could harm a human before i could harm an animal unconditional love is the best overall hang in there my furry (and not-so-furry) friends you'll all be saved one day i love animals (1 Comment |Comment on this)